Pray for our Coach Please.......

A Little Mad
June 2, 2014 at 11:20pm
So today wasn't the best of days.

First, I have to say, yes, I know I'm a positive and upbeat person. I have lots of energy. I'm an optimist and always try to see the best in every situation. I'm a fighter, a warrior, a survivor, a happy person, a believer...all of those things. People always see me as being this kind of person. That's because that's what I let people see. I usually lock everything else deep inside and don't let it out. I've always felt like I can impact more people by being positive than anything else. I'm an expert at always looking happy. But i'm learning that this can be exhausting sometimes.
I've also had people tell me that they are so inspired by the journey i'm going through and how i'm handling it. So time for an honest look.

Today I'm pissed.

And I think that for today, it's ok to be pissed for a little while.
This morning I woke up before my alarm went off, and awoke with heartbreak because I wasn't going to be arriving in NYC with my kids. This was a trip that we had looked forward to so much. I was going to chaperone the choir trip, and get to be with my girls the first time they went to NYC, with them for their first Broadway musical, travel with them for a whole week, really get to spend some time with them. Morgan only has one more year before she graduates, and Reagan, well Reagan is NY-bound anyway, I just wanted to see her first impression! So this morning, I cried before I even got out of bed. Hard crying. Yes, I had a little pity party because my doctor wouldn't let me go. And then I thought of all the other things I had wanted to do this summer that I won't be able to do and cried some more.
I have a Peachtree Roadrace number...and I won't be running. Just thinking about the fact that I ran my first half marathon in February, and now could probably not run around the block really whizes me off.

And thinking about all the trips to Virginia that I won't be making this summer, another heartbreaker. Because now I just have to be content with when Steve can come here, and it's difficult for him. It'll cut our summer visits in half at least. Yes, that pissses me off. I want more, not less. I just keep thinking of my favorite line from When Harry Met Sally..."when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible"...well right now it's not possible. Anger.

And then a phone call about the cross country team...i'm still heartbroken that I won't get to be the coach this fall...and I know my team that i've spent the last few years working with to build and get to where they are...they are going to do so good this season! And I had to give it up. I'm so proud of them and all they've accomplished, but yes, i'm pissed!

And then today, I was driving down the road, taking my mom to the dentist. I love my mom. But those who have known me the longest know that my mom and I have always had a difficult relationship. She had breast cancer over 10 years ago. She has Alzheimer's Disease now. It's just strange. I'm the kid who rebelled from her the most when my dad died. I went through phases of hating her, and i'm sure there were times when she hated me too. We have ALWAYS butted heads. But today, in her broken speech, as she put her hand on my shoulder, she said "I love you" and she was crying. I think she feels guilty about my cancer. And I don't know how to talk to her about it, can't, because she can't carry on a conversation and really doesn't understand what i'm saying. It pisses me off. It really makes me mad that I wish my mom could help me right now.

Cancer pisses me off. I hate it. The fuzzy headedness after chemo, the hair loss, the excruciating pain for three days after my Neulasta injections, the loss of flavor of my food, the sheer exhaustion and lack of energy, the tingly feeling in my feet that is terrifying me with the possiblity of neuropathy, the headaches, the dry throat, the feel of the port in my arm, the fact that I can feel that my muscle tone is gone, the three and a half hours of pre-op today and the procedure on Thursday. The cost...OMG the COST...the poking and prodding and poking and prodding and IV's and blood checks and all the medical crap and the fact that i'm basically going to lose every other week the entire summer...the needing people! I am never someone who relys on other people and I really am not comfortable with it. And the lack of control...I hate not being able to control my life! Oh, and the fear. Yes, the fear. I hate all of it. Cancer pisses me off so much i'm gonna kick it's haunch.

So i'm glad today is almost over. I'm going to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and it will be a better day.
Tomorrow I will think about how much fun my kids are having in New York, and how happy I am that they have this opportunity and that they are with wonderful people who are taking care of them. Thank you Janis and Carla and Brooke and Josh! And tomorrow I will go for a walk...get a little exercise. A friend of mine posted on her page today that she was going to exercise "because she can". So I am going to walk tomorrow, because i'm sure tomorrow I'll feel good and i'll go BECAUSE I CAN. Thank you Amy! Even if it's just once around the block. The Peachtree Roadrace will be there next year, and Reagan said that she will wear my number this year and run her first Peachtree in my honor, so I will be thankful for that. And then I will think about how much Steve loves me, and that he will be here when he can, and I will be thankful and happy with that and look forward to his next visit. I will think about how happy I am to have him in my life and that he's hanging in there with me through this even though I know it scares him too, and look forward to that "one day" when the distance won't be an issue any more. I will continue to follow my cross country team and be happy for their successes. And for my mom, I will be thankful that she doesn't fully understand. And I will just love her.

And I will continue to be thankful for all the friends and family who are supporting me near and far, with prayers, well-wishes, messages that make me smile, and yes, with help and rides and meals and love.
And as for the cancer...I will get through this one day at a time. Because yes, I am a fighter and a warrior and a survivor and strong and positive and a happy person. And I have faith that God isn't finished with me yet.

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Isaiah 40:31 - but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Romans 8:28 - And we kinow that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Philippians 4:6-7 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, be prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hears and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And finally, tonight...
Psalm 30:5 - For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.